Friday, July 23, 2010

My date looks like a Muppet... seriously

The Song:
Little Lion Man by: Mumford & Sons
I am new to Mumford & Sons as are most people.  Apparently they are getting a huge following and out pouring of requests to come back from the Philly area.  I love how they incorporate some old, New Orleans style blue grass sounds with a great folk singer sound.  They pull off a great four part harmony, but most importantly the lyrics actually mean something.  They're not just words in a song... they are truth for many peoples lives.  You also, don't really hear the banjo much now of days... but Winston Marshall can pick a banjo like Eddie Peabody or that kid from Deliverance.   They also bring in instruments that most people my age have never heard, or have heard but have no idea that they're listening to a Mandolin or Dobro.  But that's what you'll hear when you put on the Sigh No More album just out from Mumford & Sons.

The Date:
My date looks like a Muppet... seriously
So like I've said before, I had a stint with eHarmony.  I met a lot of really nice guys... and a lot of really retarded men... and I'm being nice with "retarded".  I put it best when referring to the men I've dated as well as the men my girlfriends from High School have dated.... "Our collective dating record reads as a 'Who's Who' of the worlds most retarded men."  But I digress...

So I got an email from a guy I had been going back and forth with on eHarmony.  He was not my type as far as looks, he was this cute little baby face... curly blonde hair and blue eyes.  I'm  more in to the tall, dark, and easy men, myself.  But I was impressed with his "stats".  Harvard for Undergrad, Penn for Grad and doing Teach America in Philly while at Grad School.  From Connecticut, was a singer and sang AT Harvard with the Men's Glee Club which is known round the world for the tight close harmonies and "60 voices as One".  I was blown away by some of the things  he'd accomplished at such a young age, so I thought I'd give it a try... why not, right?

So we met at the White Dog Cafe in Univ. City.  I LOVE IT THERE, by the way.  If you've never been, go - great beer selection and food to boot!  Anyway, I see him standing outside of the place in Kakis, an argile sweater vest, white button down shirt, and PENNY LOAFERS.  I mean I knew he was from Connecticut but... really?  He was a perfect gentleman, pulled out my chair, ordered for me once he knew what I wanted (which I've always thought was cute, but most woman hate it.  I like it).  We got to talking about our childhoods, and how we ended up on eHarmony and such.  Turns out the city wasn't as kind to him as I was, he was jumped just a few days earlier.  Guess he stood out in West Philly like a sore thumb.

At one point I felt myself zoning out... staring at him in almost a daze.  I was saying to myself "you're being creepy... but wow he really reminds me of someone I know..."  I couldn't put my finger on it... I was answering questions like "Soo where did you go to college" with "Um yeah..." b/c I was so intent on figuring out who he looked like.... and then suddenly when we started talking about favorite childhood shows.. it came to me.  He looked... like a Fraggle.  I actually choked on my Dog Fish Head IPA 90 when I realized it.

Soooo at that point I knew I wasn't interested in him if I had spent the whole date trying to figure out who he looked like, instead of listening to what the Harvard Grad had to say.  So I thought, ok have a little fun and go home.  Still on the subject of shows we watched as kids, I said "Oh ya know, I used to LOVE Fraggle Rock.... you ever watch it?"  No Joke, he said really  loud and very excited... "I LOVED FRAGGLE ROCK...." then..... he sang..... "Dance ya cares away... worries for another day... let the music play... ::clap, clap:: down in Fraggle Rock".   Yup that's right, there was clapping on my date.

4 1/2 minutes later we got the check and I left.  I haven't heard from him since.  WHAT... THE... F?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

First Taste of Chocolate....

The Song:
Act Too (Love of My Life) by: The Roots
I've been a fan of The Roots for a long time... probably not as long as I should have been.  Black Thought and Questlove never fail to impress me beyond words.  They are true poets.  I love that they take basic rock and roll chords in C major, and build on it... a little drums, a little piano, hit the back beat throw in a martha washington wanna be singing back up and then the let it off rapping lyrics.  How can you hate that?  It gives even the whitest white people rhythm.

The Date:
First Taste of Chocolate....
I've always tried to be an equal opportunity dater.  I'm attracted to all kinds of men, all shapes and all sizes. A years or so ago I was on this kick of going down into the city early Saturday mornings, heading to a coffee shop and just catching up on reading and being BY MYSELF!  It was particularly crowded one morning so I grabbed the last seat in between an older woman who happened to be a heavy breather (awesome, great... perfect), and the most beautiful light skinned black man I had ever seen.  Now I was in a questionable part of the city - and by questionable I'm referring to peoples sexuality... in this section of the city ANYONE could be gay.  So I didn't really think twice about sitting down b/c I just figured I'd be spending my morning sitting in between Chewbacca and a beautiful gay man.

After about 15 minutes of reading and three sips of my non fat, no whip, white mocha, I noticed the beautiful man was reading over my shoulder.  Great, I was reading "The Devil Wears Prada" so this confirms both our love for the penis.  I turned to him and caught him looking and he smiled and said "Sorry I was trying to figure out what you were reading" and I said "haha why?" (oh I'm so shy and girly), and he replied "So I had something to say to you when I got up enough courage to talk to you".  HE STRAIT!  YESSSSS!

His name was Theo, yes I know black... Theo... no he wasn't on the Cosby Show so get it out of your system now.  He had light skin and green eyes, I'm pretty sure they were contacts buuuut lets just humor me. He had on this rugged, worn gray t-shirt, and these worn out jeans with tears and paint on them; best of all he had on JCrew moccasins.  I love it!  He had a broad chest and muscular arms, lets just say he filled out his t-shirt well.

Turns out he was a free lance writer from Boston, in the city for a few months doing some work for Philly Mag.  We talked all morning, and he eventually asked if he could take me to lunch. We walked out of the coffee shop and down the street to this cute little bistro and I couldn't help but watch him walk.  He had this stride, this swagger, his energy was so bright.  He turned back and said "you lookin at my ass?"  a maybe I was a little.

 So we had lunch and about half way through we noticed neither of us had touched what we ordered.  It wasn't because it wasn't delicious; we were so enthralled with each other we didn't want to take the time to do anything else but talk.

About two hours later he walked me to my car and we exchanged numbers.  We had planned to meet the next night for dinner and whatever the night had in store for us.  I dont' even think I answered any phone calls or texts messages between meeting him and dinner the next night, other then Theo's.  We had a blast, we had dinner, we went to Zanzibar and listened to blues... he listened to what I said about being raised on Jazz which in turn led me to the Blues.  We danced, we drank we talked... and then we made out.  The Best Kisser Ever.  He kissed me with purpose, as far as he was concerned we were the only people in the room.... in the city.... in the world.

He asked if I wanted to come back to his hotel, surprisingly for me... I said no.   We saw each other once more before he left to go back to Boston.  He still lives there.... I still live here... I have plans to visit a friend in October up in Boston... maybe Theo will get a call.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Sparks...

The Song:
Sparks by: Cold Play
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Coldplay is like catnip for women.  Anything that Chris Martin is singing, I'm playing on my iPod.  There has never been a Coldplay song I haven't enjoyed.  It's not quite the kind of music you can rock out to in your car, or blast at your tailgate/BBQ.  But it's always been the music I play while on the train, or during a flight, or even on a Saturday morning when I'm making breakfast.  It's great "Chill the Fuck Out" music :)



The Date:
Sparky McRedneck
So I "dated" a guy in a wheel chair once... I put the word "dated" in quotes b/c I later found out he was engaged.  But that's another story for another time.   People always ask "why was he in a wheel chair?" and look at me with that awkward look and furrowed brows... ok he wasn't mentally retarded (in the literal sense, figuratively: he was a complete retard), he was in a bike accident and was paralyzed, but I digress...

One weekend we decided to head down the shore to his house.  He picked me up and when I got in the car there was three full McDonalds bags.  I looked at him and said "What did you get the whole freakin left side of the menu?"  He said "umm basically".   Ok great, so me and Chubby Checkers are drivin down the shore, and we're not even THREE SECONDS passed through the EZ Pass Toll Plaza and he whips out his bowl and says "You want some, darlin?"  Now, maybe 5 years ago I would have been a little less paranoid, but no such luck now of days.  I said to him "HEY, Cheech... there are state troopers wallpapered all over this highway, you wanna put that shit away for say like when we get to your house?"  Well he wasn't listening and I soon figured out he wasn't hungry at the time he bought the McDonalds, he was just coming prepared and thought ahead.

I have to say that I was a little impressed that he thought that far in advance, he bought the munchies first.  Good thinkin, now you don't have to stop at Farley's on the way and make me get out and go in so you don't have to wheel yourself around all high taking everything they have at the KFC and BK stands... thanks for saving me the trip.

He finishes he's little smoke and eats EVERYTHING he bought at Micky D's - nothing like a cold Big Mac.  I said to him "aren't you nervous you'll get pulled over seeing as how you drive with your hands and smoking while driving is a little extra difficult for you?"  His exact reply, no joke... "Nah, i'm not worried my windows are tinted dark for a reason and besides even if they do pull me over the little wheely guy on my license plate always pulls a few extra sympathy points for ya man".  I should have known at that point he was a douche bag.

Cut to today - he's now married... she's a lucky lady. HA!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

He reminds me of a loser....

The Song:
Little Secrets: Passion Pit
This has to be one of the coolest songs I've heard in a long time.  It's one of those Car Dance Songs.  You put it on when it's great weather outside and the sun is blaring and there's a nice breeze and you just wanna jam.  Passion Pit is a recent find, thanks to my friend Erin.  All the members of this band, minus one, went to Berklee College of Music in Boston.  The group started when lead vocalist/keyboardist had written, sang/ recorded a compilation of songs on his laptop for a Valentines Day present for his girlfriend.  He then was encouraged to perform at a solo show of these songs.  After he was approached by one of the soon to be band members and thus began Passion Pit.  This song Little Secrets is just an all around feel good song. I don't usually go for electronica/pop, but they seem to put this great dance beat behind every song... it's almost like a pyramid... start with the back beat, then add a little keyboard, a few childrens voices singing in the background, then a vocal melody accompanied by a three part harmony (of couse sung by one person put in by technology) and it's just funky!

The Date:
He Reminds Me of A Loser....
This is a short one b/c well... I made it short and sweet on the date.

I met this guy on eHarmony (one of the not so good matches).  He was nice, and seemed really sweet.  Now if you know me you know I like the big guys.  I love guys that are tall and stocky and look like they could play Line for the 49'ers.  Well he definitely fit that profile in his pictures online.  We talked on the phone a few times and then he asked me to meet him at a bar in Bryn Mawr.

I walked in and it was packed... I looked around and didn't see him.  Well then he screamed my name and looked right at me... ummm it couldn't be the same guy, he was about 6 foot and like 175 pounds.  Ok clearly he has some old pictures up online which is the NUMBER ONE offense in online dating!

So I bit the bullet and sat down and we had dinner.  We got to talking, still... a nice guy.  But then I notice every waitress that walks by and some of the customers too keep saying hi to him.  Not just a friendly hello, like a legitimate "hey ::insert name here:: how are you? "  I thought ok maybe he went to school or something around here... nope I found out later... no school.

I excused myself to the bathroom quickly, I saw one of the waitresses in there that had actually stood at our table and had a conversation with my date.  I asked her... I just had to... "Can I ask you how you know they gentleman I'm having dinner with?"  She BURST out laughing and said "Well... just like everyone else knows him.... he's  one of the day/night regulars.  He's here 24/7, I'm surprised he drove here.  Usually he takes the bus or a cab so he doesn't have to worry about any more DUI's".  I said... "ok thanks can you do me a favor... can you tell him I got sick in the bathroom and had to leave?"  She said "ha sure thing, you think you're the first date that's asked that and then bailed?  Why don't you go out the side door that right when you walk out of the bathroom?"  So I BOLTED.

I felt so bad, but me being 1/2 Irish Catholic DelCo... I was NOT about to insert another alcoholic loser in to my life.  I made a game time decision.  Manute would've been proud, I dodged the ball on that one. He called a few times and finally I felt so bad that I answered.  I had to tell him what happened.  He said he understood my concern but that he didn't have a drinking problem, he just liked hanging out in the bar.  STILL NOT OK!

Yet another date that confirmed my love for singularity... for now.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I Met Him In Manayunk......





The Song:
Monstar by Usher (new CD Raymond vs. Raymond)
I have always been a huge fan of Usher.  I think anyone that aspires to follow in the footsteps of Michael Jackson is on the right track.  That boy can dance AND sing.  What I like about his music is that he honestly sings about his life and his feelings - whether it be about sex or love or relationships... it's not all about Alcohol and Bitches.  It's truthful.  I also love how he'll start most songs off slow and monotone and then bring it to such an intense level with haunting melodies or electronica vocals singing hooks, or my favorite when he just makes those octave jumps without skipping a beat.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall in one of his recording sessions.

The Date:
I Met Him In Manayunk
I've heard that one of the best ways to meet a man is at a Bachelorette Party.... I didn't understand until I went to one.  It's not because you're in a huge crowd of ladies covered with pink feathers and glitter and probably somebody is wearing something animal print (which I am total for), or because you're dressed like a $4 hooker.... it's b/c of the nemesis of my early 20's... VODKA.  There is so much Vodka thrown at you when you're part of a bachelorette party - shots, fancy drinks, the works.  With Vodka comes happy me, with happy me comes horny me, and with horny me comes My Big Vodka Balls.  I will say ANYTHING.  



I went out for a co-workers bachelorette party one lovely September evening.  I had on my lucky cleavage shirt (aka everything I own to go out in) and I was ready to go.  I should have known when I walked out of the bar's emergency exit with my Bubble Gum Vodka/Lemonade/Splash of Cranberry drink in hand that I was in for a treat.  We walked down the street to a bar where we could dance.  Who is standing outside of the bar.... The Meanest Most Awful Ex Ever (who's name will remain removed from this blog always).  Of course he was there, he's everywhere!  I think that put even more of a reason in to my conquest for ass that night.  We were dancing like crazy... all over the place.  But I didn't see any prospects... I wasn't interested... so I said to my friend Genna, "Listen I'm going to the bathroom and then we can head out if you want".  On my way back from the bathroom I was texting (shocking I know) and BAM... Ow someone just walked right in to me... or did I walk in to them?  All I said was "Excuse you!"... and then I looked up.  He was shorter... with these beautiful warm brown eyes.  The conversation was short, he leaned in to kiss me and I told him I don't kiss someone I've just met... and then I thought about my life for a minute.  HA!  I turned to Genna and said "pssssht who am I kidding"... and then I kissed him.  We exchanged numbers and I left.  




We texted for a while and finally he asked me out.   Just a few hours before our date, he text messaged me asking what I was looking for because he'd just got out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious.  Now, part of me was thankful for honesty and hopefully innocent forwardness.  But mostly I was annoyed with his behavior - relax buddy I haven't even seen your wenis yet and you wanna have the "where's this going conversation"?  I told him to relax and lets just go with the flow... oh foreshadowing, oh symbolism.

We decided to meet at a bar in the Manayunk called The Ugly Moose.  It's a very hipster laid back kind of situation.  We had several of whatever "Oktoberfest" brew's were on tap, in a 22oz glasses mind you.  We kept drinking and talking, talking about life and lovers and college and everything.  It was great.  We laughed a lot.  And we stared, at each other... a lot.  We sat at the bar, our barstools started the night next to each other, side by side.  Then before I knew it we were sitting facing each other, his legs spread open and my legs fit right in between.  When the conversation stopped, he brushed my hair behind my ear.  He looked at me and said "I like you...".  I didn't know if I liked him or not but there was definitely some sexual tension.  Then we were kissing each other, and not just the sweet innocent "I'm on the first date" kiss.  We were that gross couple making out in the bar.  We were the couple I always have to wait on at the bar I work at - I refer to them  as "The Makeout Twins".  He told me I should probably just stay at his place since it was late and we had been drinking.  At that point I thought "If nothing else this kid could be some great sex and well that's about it".  I suggested we do a shot before we leave... liquid courage.  Ummm but I then said "black house?" Oh I'm sorry am I 20 again?

We left the bar and it.... went... down.  We stopped about every 10 steps on the walk to his place just to make out.  Lets just say it was a looooong very well deserved night with no sleep.  
I got up the next morning feeling so refreshed and amazing - maybe it's because I'd had several mind blowing orgasms the night before.  

Well we talked off and on and saw each other a few more times.  And he was a really nice guy.... but I don't think he believed me when I said "I dont want a boyfriend".  I think men get easily confused by casual dating and F buddies.  An F buddy is someone you call strictly for sex.  But if you invite a girl out for drinks and such, and you two sleep together.... you are casually seeing someone.  GET OVER IT.   There shouldn't have to be a disclaimer stating "Warning: Just because she asks you to dinner or for a drink doesn't mean she wants to marry you.  WARNING!".  Well apparently, he needed the disclaimer.  I suggested things - he shot me down.  His behavior was random and erratic, yet I was the "crazy" one.  So we eventually stopped "hanging out'.  We still talk here and there... go figure he has a girlfriend now.  Hey, to each his own.  

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sweet Disposition

The Song:
Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
"Hey, wanna hear some good tunes?  Download Temper Trap's new album Conditions"  was a facebook IM I received from a friend one day and thus my love for The Temper Trap was born.  Great harmonies, with a male on lead vocals who DOESN'T sound like he just got slamed in the lower parts when he tries to hit the high notes.  Dougy Mandagi's got a rich sound in his voice, with just a hint of that hipster weirdo-ness we all have come to love.


The Date:
Sweet Disposition
This is actually a date I had a really good time on!  I went through a stint of online dating.  It wasn't working, then it was working... then I was bored.  I met a guy, whose name will be kept anonymous  but lets say it rhymes with, Clark.  


Our first date was at Duffer's on 352, and we were there for HOURS.  We talked and laughed and he just had such a sweet and warm disposition.  I couldn't pin point it but I knew he was going to be someone special in my life.  I didn't let him kiss me that night... and he never let me forget it.  We kept talking and hanging out, we actually decided that we didn't want to be exclusive.  We had both been in relationSHITs prior to this and wanted to see what was out there for a while.  We kept in touch through the beginning of the fall.  


I was out  having a girls night at a friends house, we were drinking a ton of wine and some how that turned in to doing line dances in the living room... but I digress. We were having a girls night and all the sudden I got a text from "Clark".  It was rather cryptic, "Are you around?".  I went outside and called and he picked up after the first ring... "Meg, do you think you could come over?  I had a really awful night and I just wanted to talk.  If not that's ok I don't want to interrupt your night."  I said give me an hour or so and I'll be over.  I apologized to the girls, but he had sounded rather troubled.  I know I'd do the same for any friend.


I went over and we sat in his living room.  He poured me a drink and he had a beer.  I asked what had happened.  He was at a Happy Hour with some people from high school.  A few girls were there that had pretty much made his life miserable in earlier years.  True to Mean Girl form, they didn't let a little thing like maturity stop them from making fun of him again.  His feelings were a bit bruised but it was more the fact that he didn't understand how two people over the age of 25, who had college degrees and jobs could act they way they did.  All I could say was, "It's not all people, it's Mean Girls, and they never change.  It has nothing to do with you."  He said "well I guess I never thought about it that way, they're just picking on the so called 'weakest link' to make themselves feel better about their lives in which they clearly aren't happy about".... I said "umm sure ok yea that's what i meant".  We laughed and just kept talking.


Then came the awkward part, it was getting on to be about 2am and I was either getting laid or going home.  But it was different this time, I didn't think of it so Down and Dirty... I kinda cared about him.  So I asked him if he'd mind if I stayed here cause it was pretty late.  Of course he jumped on the opportunity... "Oh no no that's fine" but then this.... "I can sleep on the couch".  I laughed and said.... "Not necessary...."


Hands Down... best sex I've ever had.  I guess it goes to show you that it's not always the wild and crazy sex thats that hottest... sometimes its the sweet sex that makes all the waiting worth while.

Monday, June 21, 2010

A Touch of the 'Tism

The Song:
Somethings Missing: John Mayer
There is something so timeless about John Mayers sound.  He's got this soulful voice accompanied by wicked guitar skills.  Since he was 17, John Mayer has been inspired by the blues.  One of his many idols being Stevie Ray Vaughan - best known for his blue guitar playing.  John Mayer has collaborated with blues artists such as BB King, Buddy Guy, and Eric Clapton.  His first album Room For Squares went multi-platinum... and yet it's not glamorous.... it's comfortable... it's old jeans and a t-shirt kind of comfortable.  The perfect time to listen to Mayer, is all the time.

The Date:
A Touch of the 'Tism
It took a few dates for me to realize no good can ever come from meeting a man at a bar in or around DelCo.  I was accompanying a friend to a local Delaware County bar, she had just had a pretty terrible break up and we thought "Drinks on a Monday Night?  Why Not".  It was the beginning of football season so everyone was in their Eagles gear - including us.

After a few drinks, we started making nice with the group of people next to us.  One of the guys pulled me aside at one point and said "Hey, my boy has been trying to talk to you all night... you think you could give him some time".  OK NUMBER ONE, if "your boy" is around my age he should know the BIGGEST turn off is a man who won't (cause "can't" means "won't") make the first move and say hello to a girl.  When you NEED a wingman to do all your work, it's annoying and frankly now you're just wasting my time.  I'll just make out with the wingman.

So I humored him and we talked... I asked all the questions "What's your name, where are you from,  what do you do for a living, where did you go to High School, do you know so-n-so?"... the list goes on.  We'll leave names out, but he turned out to be a fitness trainer at a very reputable fitness club on the Mainline.  I was impressed.  He had a nice stature, a cute face I guess.  But there was something off... There was something missing.  We were in a bar and it was loud, but I heard him clearly.  I should have taken that as hint #2.  We would finish talking about a certain subject and he would just stare at me with this "hold on, I'm thinking" look and then start a completely new topic.  The weirdest thing is that he would only hold eye contact for 5 minutes or so and then it was like it was killing him so he had to look around.

Eventually he got my number - maybe it was the 5 or 6 miller lites or maybe I felt bad for him, the jury is still out on that one.  We chatted back and forth for maybe a day or two and then he asked me out to dinner that week.  I picked the place and we met at this cute little hole-in-the-wall Italian place near my house.  WELP, I found out very quickly that the reason I heard him loud and clear at the bar was b/c he is THE LOUDEST SPEAKER EVER.  People were staring... I actually had to give him the "shhhhh  you're pretty loud"... he just kept going.  Then... the twitch, he had a twitch.  He would say something and then finish the sentence like "aaahmmmm" and then breath really hard of his nose...WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!?!?!!??!!?

I quickly finished my dinner, and he asked if I wanted to watch the Eagles game with him at the bar down the street and I told him I had work really early the next morning but thank you so much for dinner.  I left and in watching him walk to his car - I saw his flood khaki pants about two sizes too small for him topped off with his white tube socks and black dress shoes.  Icing on cake.

I met some girlfriends at the bar I work at for a drink directly after this date.  I walked in, and they said "how'd it go?"  I said... "Well, I think he's Autistic".  Now I used to work with children with Autism as well as work for a charitable organization that funds research for kids living with Autism.  I've seen all sides of the spectrum and he was definitely smack in the middle of it.  A friend I used to work with refer's to this as having a "touch of the 'tism".

He texted a few times... but I couldn't answer back, I was still creeped out.  But what was I supposed to do, ask him "Hey are you Autistic?" yea that's romantic.